What Girls Wish Moms Knew (Tip #4)

Any advice book on the shelf will tell you to listen. It's the secret to a great marriage, being a good parent, building a small business, and perhaps, leading an exemplary democracy. But as often as it's preached, listening is rarely practiced. Just think about the last big discussion you had at home or work. While the other person was talking, did you spend a lot of your time thinking about what you'd say next? I know I did.

So it comes as no surprise that the 11,000 girls who answered our survey on puberty wanted their moms to LISTEN. But implicit in their request was something else - that mothers not judge.

Daughter-mother tip #4: Just listen.
It’s tempting to want to jump in and make suggestions, give advice, or send up warning flags. But try not to when your daughter is talking. If you rush in too quickly, you might interrupt her though. Your quick-response comments also might go far afield of what your daughter wants to talk about at that moment. One of the loudest messages from girls was that they didn’t want a discussion of their changing bodies to morph into a scary talk about not having sex.

So I'll broaden the definition of listening here to mean more than just sitting quietly, giving eye contact, and nodding. Try to pick up on what your daughter is searching for in her brave attempt to talk to you. She wants information, yes, and maybe an answer to a nagging question. But she's also testing whether you are the right person to come to when she's "confuzzled" as one girl put it. When you let her talk and pay attention, she'll enjoy that rarest of comforts: knowing someone is truly listening.

What Girls Wish Moms Knew (Tip #3)

It's easy to bump through the day answering only the questions put directly to us: Where's my backpack? What's for dinner? Can I watch TV?

But think about the questions our kids almost ask us. How many are there? Maybe our children can't find the words. Or they can't get a moment alone with us. Puberty surely is on their minds, but not every child will have the courage to blurt out what's troubling them.

In our KidsHealth.org survey of 11,000 girls, many said they wished they didn't have start the conversation. That brings us today's tip for moms:

Daughter-mother Tip #3: Bring it up.
Lots of girls said they wished their moms would broach the subject. Said one girl: “She doesn't really bring it up herself and I’m not sure when and what to ask.” Said another: “She could tell me that she will always be there for me and that if I need anything, I can be free to talk to her. And then she could get me a bra.”

More than 70% of girls under age 13 told us that they still questions about puberty. And girls, by far, picked mom as the person they'd most like to talk with. Looks like you'll have to be the brave one. Start the conversation. Your daughter will be glad you did.

What Girls Wish Moms Knew (Tip 2)

When it comes to puberty, mom remains the No. 1 source girls want to turn to, according to KidsHealth’s recent online survey of 11,000 girls. It’s good news tempered a little by their answer to the next question: Are you comfortable talking to your mom about periods, bras, and boys?

Only 26% said yes.

We asked why and thousands of girls told us what keeps them from closer, more productive conversations with their moms. Here's the second of 10 daughter-mother tips:

Daughter-Mother Tip #2: Meet privately and don’t tell anyone about it later.
A top concern was feeling embarrassed because other people were part of the conversation or found out the details later. Even if those people were sisters or aunts, girls still felt embarrassed. Of course, you might want to share something with your spouse or close friend. If you must, ensure that this person will NOT spill the beans. What dads know is particularly sensitive.

One girl said she was worried about telling her mom anything because “she might tell my dad, and my dad has a hard time keeping his voice low in public areas.” But other girls praised their moms as confidantes. “My mom is easy to talk to because what we say stays between us.”

It makes sense when you think of it. By talking about puberty, your daughter is sharing private thoughts and concerns. The subject of her growing might throw you off balance, so it's normal to want to tell other people. But let them know this subject isn't one for the dinner table or the next family reunion. It's a great chance to show her you're trustworthy and respectful. Someone she can turn to again and again.

Dear Mom, Here's What I Wish You Knew (Tip 1)

To prepare for the launch of The Pink Locker Society, KidsHealth.org surveyed 11,000 girls and 5,000 moms about puberty. Only 25% of girls said they were comfortable talking to their moms. And most moms (80%) said they felt unprepared to talk about the basics, such as periods, bras, and boys.

To bridge this gap, I flipped through thousands of girls' responses to the following questions:

Why is your mom so easy to talk with?
or
What could your mom do to make these conversations better?

I whittled all that girl talk down to 10 "daughter-mother" tips. I'll be sharing them, one at a time, starting today. I hope they make it easier for you to connect with your daughter. Talking to your daughter about growing up lets her know she's normal and that someone is in her corner: You!

Daughter-Mother Tip #1: Make yourself available.
Girls appreciate when their moms give puberty the time they think it deserves. One girl said, “My mom is always busy when I want to talk to her, so I feel like she is not really listening.” But when moms are ready to talk, girls feel better. “I know we can just talk,” one girl said. Another added, “She told me to come to her and she listens.”